One of the biggest personal changes for me this year was welcoming our baby daughter into the world in August. I learned a lot about myself and through my wife as she went through the dramatic changes of pregnancy, giving birth, and becoming a parent. I understood my limits, my limiting beliefs, and also the strength of curiosity and compassion throughout the process.
The journey of bringing a child into the world revolutionized my approach to coaching. I have always been dedicated to successfully helping my clients navigate change, from changing careers and relationships, to starting and growing companies, to improving teams, work culture, and individual habits. My work has been focused on incremental and environmental change, based on Lewin's equation that B = f(P, E), meaning one's behavior is a function of the person and his or her environment. Simple to understand, difficult to put into action. In August, I added what I call instantaneous change, or what others sometimes call "transformational change". I wanted to focus on the instant nature of this change. Having researched it for years, I had a theory in mind, but I didn't truly understand it until I went through it. Below I share insights on all three types of changes: incremental, environmental, and instantaneous. Please share thoughts and commentary with me over email. I'd love to hear how your year went and wish you a beautiful year ahead. Incremental ("I may"). What does this change mean? This is typically what most people think of when they think of change. It's the process of building a habit slowly over time. These can be new year's resolutions, such as losing weight, building muscle, or learning a skill. Or they can be much bigger in scope such as starting a company, looking for another job, or moving to a new city. We're not sure we can actually do it, but want to try. If it works, great, if it doesn't, well at least you gave it your best. What makes this change difficult? Anxiety, worry, and ultimately fear. You are taking on something new, and that means your reputation and abilities are on show, either to your family, friends or yourself. The key is to know how you handle anxiety. Do you shy away from a difficult challenge? Are your expectations inflated? Do your assumptions often go unchecked? How do you measure success? How can I handle this change better? To turn a lukewarm choice into a dedicated intention requires a system, which requires upfront planning. For example, it takes 66 days to build a habit, and each day counts. How much time and effort you spend on planning what you'll do over those 66 days will dictate how successful you'll be. Sit down with a notepad and pen or in front of your computer for 2 hours, and thoroughly work through your plan. Break it up into four 30-minute chunks if you have to, but develop a timeline for the 2 months or so, and pare it down by month, week, and day to create the chain of success. If you can see it, you can do it. Environmental ("I must"). What does this change mean? This type of change is prompted by something external, and usually out of your control. These can be major events that dictate the direction of our lives, such as job loss, pregnancy, birth, death, or an election. Or they can be as minor as dropping a mug of coffee by accident or rain when you didn't expect it. What makes this change difficult? Pressure, stress, and uncertainty. You have to do something about it and your fight, flight, freeze, or faint reactions kick in. Some handle it better than others. The key is to know how you handle stress. Are you avoidant? Do you push through? Do you try to understand it? Or do you clam up or cave in? How can I handle this change better? Slow everything down. Zoom in to the details first. These changes often seem too big to tackle. Don't bother with the big, ginormous blob of the unknown. The "what if?" is too scary. Start with just one small, tiny, minuscule step. When something is out of your control, you need something to do to feel like you have some semblance of control. Figure that out, and start there. Instantaneous ("I will"). What does this change mean? Most of us have either never encountered this type of change or don't believe it to be even possible. This is the kind of change that occurs overnight, when you decide you are absolutely going to do or not do something. There's no going back. It doesn't matter how big or small the change is, you know you will go through it sooner or later. It's born of deep-seated self-knowledge. You feel a little like it's happening to you, when in fact you made some kind of agreement with yourself to do something forever more or not to do something anymore. These can be big changes created by small provocations, such as becoming a vegetarian after reading an article on the inhumane treatment of animals or small tweaks caused by big disruptions, such as prioritizing team morale above efficiency after a major project gets defunded. It's almost like you can't believe you were the person you were before once you go through it. What makes this change difficult? Hesitation. The change itself is a matter of when, not if, but your lack of faith, trust, or belief in yourself can sometimes make you hesitate and wait weeks, months, or even year before you get the confidence to act on it. It's only a stalling measure though. This type of change is working in the background anyway. It eats at you because you're in conflict. The person you were before whatever lightbulb of realization dawned on you and the person you are now are different. Think about suddenly remembering that you forgot to lock your front door when you left. Before you remembered, the world was ho-hum, and now you're annoyed, worried, and can't stop thinking about it. You can try to rationalize that it'll be okay until you get back home, but it works at you in the back of your mind. That's the difficulty with this type of realization, it's sudden and unrelenting. How can I handle this change better? Don't hesitate. And if you do, examine the reasons behind your hesitation. It will link back to a story you're telling yourself, about your life, work, and who you are. Ask the "why?" behind the "why?", meaning don't settle for the first answer. Ask yourself "why?" over and over again until you feel relieved. This is important. It's not a superficial, "that feels good" type of satisfaction, it's a "I'm totally spent" type of relief. Conclusion My working hypothesis now is that instantaneous (or tranformational) change encompasses both incremental and environmental change. Meaning, one can instantly transform themselves instead of incrementally going from A to B, or slowly adapting to an environmental change. By deciding once and for all that "I will" change. The root of what's behind that conviction is an ongoing passion of mine, but what I have discovered so far is that belief in its possibility is a starting point. One needs to know that others have gone through it, and so they can too. By definition, instantaneous change cannot be beholden to a process, so it's difficult to break down from a coaching perspective. Still, I've seen it in my clients, colleagues, friends, family, and myself, and I'm motivated to uncover whatever mechanism is behind it. More on that in the future. For now, have a Happy New Year! Comments are closed.
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